Sunshine Blogger Award

Okay, okay, this is the blogging equivalent of a chain letter. But the only letters I get these days are bills, and reminders that a man dressed in white plastic would like to scrape a sharp metal thing against my teeth until I resemble Hannibal Lecter when an orderly has pissed him off, so screw it.

My friend and fantasy author A.S. Akkalon (who you’ve probably read about in her guest blog about how to get her to love you long time and who has her own blog where you can love her long time) nominated me for this on the grounds that I’m:

a) not important;

b) not serious; and

c) desperate enough to accept the blogging equivalent of a chain letter.

She was right on all counts and I can’t resist that kind of flattery, you guys. I’m only human.

I’m not surprised at this nomination because I do bring sunshine to your lives. Like explaining why I don’t trust you. And introducing gay dinosaur/human erotica into your lives. Or assuring you that you have several types of cancer.

I have to answer my nominator’s 11 questions, choose 11 bloggers (11 apparently means three – these rule setters would not cope with my improved darts rules) and set them 11 questions. Which means 11 that time, so I’m going to do 12 because I’m a brat.

So, my answers to Ms A S “Dragon Mistress” Akkalon’s questions:

1. What do you most wish people thought about you?

“Gosh, she’d be an excellent mother for this poor orphan child.” Because I hear babies sell well on the black market, and I really want a fancy segway.

2. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

When I was 12 I invited my friend for a sleepover. We went to McDonalds for lunch the next day and, due to a combination of financial restrictions and meal deals, we ended up with one small fries and one large fries to accompany our meals.

I offered her a choice.

She chose the large fries.

I don’t know what I was thinking.

3. If you were a game show host, what kind of game would it be?

I would like to host the existing UK game show called Tipping Point.

Once I’ve learned to break the laws of physics and developed a time machine–to rectify the enduring regret of my life outlined in question #2–my second action will be to secure the job as Tipping Point host. I will wait until the episode where I ask, “Who was monarch of Britain at the turn of the 20th century?”. When the contestant replies, “Margaret Thatcher,” I will withdraw from my pocket, with a flourish, a test tube of syphillis bacteria, approach until  I am an inch from her face, and stare deep into her eyes while I hold it up and hiss, “This is more intelligent than you.”

It’s important to have dreams.

4. Are you more scared of krakens or black death?

I’ve survived ebola 11 times and have probably had the black death so that doesn’t scare me. On the other hand my 103% accurate horoscope for this year warned me to stay away from seafood, so I ain’t getting on no ship.

5. What do you wish there was more of in books?

Well, a free pen never goes amiss. Or gum. Or just a little inspirational post card like this:

I spread Sunshine by inserting them randomly in books in shops.

6. Where is your favourite place to read a book?

In the bath. So I can drown myself if I find a comma splice or “she laughed” used as a dialogue tag.

7. What is the most “you” thing ever?

I would say a Sunshine Blogger Award encapsulates my essence. Reading these answers, I’m sure you’ll agree.

8. Cats eating birds: more proud of the cat or sorry for the bird?

I am not proud of my murderer cat.

I distinctly remember the morning I stumbled downstairs, still bleary eyed, ready for another day of torture at a PC to pay for Pepper’s fancy schmancy £1-a-portion ‘Tuna with Green-Lipped Mussels’ food and found, on the doorstep:

a) one disembowelled mouse;

b) one decapitated mouse;

c) a half-eaten crane fly; and

d) a spider shivering in the corner screaming, “What the fuck, am I in Saw VI?”

And then there was the time she BIT A SQUIRREL THROUGH THE HEAD right in front of me and sauntered off for a nap while its little squirrel friend sat in the tree and called to its dead friend, in increasing desperation, for about half an hour.

And she looks so angelic.

9. What did high school English do for your love of writing?

Not much, since it mostly involved staring at the teacher and wondering if she really thought putting lipstick on half her lips made them look dainty, or if she just had poor eyesight.

But it did introduce me to Steinbeck, Hardy, and one of my all-time favourite books: Jane Eyre.

Shame it also introduced me to fantasies of dismembering my peers when they didn’t get the 33rd explanation of the difference between they’re, their, and there.

10. If you could have a mythical creature as a pet, what would it be, and what trick would you teach it?

Does the Loch Ness Monster count? Because she isn’t mythical but some people mistakenly believe she is. If she counts, I would teach her to pop her head out and grin when children are looking but their parents aren’t, and then disappear into the water before the grown-ups turn around. I would hope this would result in distress for the child, followed by the realisation that adults aren’t infallible, and perhaps even a total mental breakdown.

If not, then I want a centaur, so I can team up with Chuck Tingle for a bestselling graphic novel. Best not go into the details of the trick.

11. If you could have a superpower, what power would you choose?

The ability to talk to animals, further reducing my need to engage with 3D humans.

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Now, my nominations:

1. A.S. Akkalon’s cat.
2. Kim M Watt’s cat.
3. The Recipe Collector’s cat.

My questions:

1. How close are you guys to world domination?
2. Does your human pick her nose when no other humans are around?
3. Besides picking her nose, what does your human do in private that she wouldn’t want us to know about?
4. Why is it that you would be outraged at being given cheap cat food unless it’s intended for another cat or a hedgehog, in which case it becomes Michelin Starred?
5. Who do you have more disdain for – modern people who think you’re pets or the ancient Egyptians who worshipped you so inadequately?
6. How much can you really tell about another cat from the smell of their butt?
7. Is it even comfortable when you stand balanced on our ribs and gouge our eyes out if we attempt to move or, you know, breathe?
8. What’s the first thing you do when you evolve opposable thumbs, shortly before the decimation of all humans and dogs?
9. Do you judge vets who offer to express your anal glands when you have a completely unrelated complaint in, say, the head area?
10. Do your judge your human’s outfit choices and, if so, which one really makes you want to claw it to ribbons?
11. What do you think of the cat in Cinderella?
12. How is Grumpy Cat viewed in the cat community?