Like most of us, ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of world domination.
But, also since I was a little girl, I’ve followed the teachings of the great philosopher and thinker Homer Simpson, particularly: “If something’s hard to do, it’s not worth doing.” [Simpson, 1992] World domination sounds pretty hard. Much harder than convincing a cat that my ribs are not the best place to stand to survey a room, and I haven’t yet mastered that skill.
Unwilling to give up my childhood dream, I arrived at a compromise. I’ve sought allegiances with others who may one day take over the world. Sharing is caring and we split the risk, responsibility, and reward.
I recently made plans with my World Domination Team on Twitter – Tani Hanes (romance author), Jezz de Silva (romance ninja), Kim M Watt (YA author), A.S. Akkalon (fantasy author), Sandra Weicht (The Recipe Collector), Sara Dobie Bauer (fabulous author) and Lisa Leoni (romance author).
Our plans involve bananas (the potassium will prevent cramps at crucial junctures and the sugar will aid us in brandishing spears at our enemies), the obliteration of all centipedes (shady fuckers–nobody needs that many legs for legit business), bows and arrows and daggers (and probably dragons because this is A.S. Akkalon we’re talking about), a Big Bad swigging absinthe and wrestling tigers in six inch heels (because this is Sara Dobie Bauer we’re talking about), the Great Fajita Dilemma, and the Burrito of Destruction.
My role in taking over the world is Digital Propaganda Manager. Partly because I can do it without getting out of my chair, partly because I can claim my 1,203,201 GB monthly data charges back on expenses, and partly because it allows me to call myself ‘Anna Kaling DPM’ which looks good and may one day convince someone I’m licensed to practice medicine. I carry a scalpel and screwdriver at all times in hopes that day will come.
And when we inevitably achieve world domination, what piece of the pie do I want?
I want to be Minister of Sports and Games.
This may surprise those of you who know me and suspect, correctly, that I haven’t run since 1996 and that was because a goat was chasing me (true story). Those people will also know that I would rather watch Will and Grace than any kinds of sports matchy-thing, and Will and Grace makes me vomit blood as my spleen attempts to crawl up my aesophagus and kill us both to save us from another ‘joke’.
But that’s the whole point. I want to be Minister for Sports and Games so I can improve them. And also so I can make ‘Hunting Will and Grace Fans’ an international competition with massive rewards.
This is my manifesto.
- Make Cricket less Crap
The main issue with cricket is that it’s less exciting than this:
But I watch 40-minute-long videos of people jet washing patios on YouTube (it’s satsifying, okay??) so I’m in no place to judge.
My problem is the maths.
A cricketeer scores 1 run for running once between the wooden-sticky things at their end to the wooden-sticky things at the other end before the fieldy people catch the ball and throw it back to the wooden-sticky things.
They score 2 runs for running twice between the thingies.
Very occasionally, if the fieldy people have fallen into a stupor while daydreaming that they’d chosen a more interesting career, like data entry for an accountancy firm, the runny person might make 3 runs.
Follow me? I’m sorry for all the technical terms–I don’t want you to feel patronised and I *am* future Minister for Sports and Games, so it’s only appropriate that I use advanced crickety language.
4 runs are awarded when the ball hits the boundary.
6 runs are awarded when the ball goes past the boundary.
Do you see my issue? WHERE IS THE 5? What kind of TWATWAFFLE invents a game where you can score 1, 2, 3, 4 or 6? Not fucking okay, cricket people.
I’m going to correct this mistake.
- NEW RULE: A 5 is scored when the ball hits the boundary and, before it bounces, the ones with the bats yank their trousers down and moon the audience. Adds a bit of excitement and also encourages good underpant hygiene.
- NEW RULE: Just to spite them, I’m also going to introduce a 7 score. This is when the ball goes past the boundary and hits a spectator. They deserve it for going to see a cricket match.
My other issue is the inherent unfairness in the team numbers. The bowly person is allowed ALL his mates on the pitch, standing wherever they like. The whole team. They’re all working against just TWO poor little bat-wielding people, whose friends have to sit in the stand and keep quiet. That might be okay if the bat-wielders were allowed to hit the fieldy people with their bats, but that’s frowned upon. They’re not even allowed to run after the fieldy people and try to stop them reaching the ball, because they have to be running between the wooden-sticky things.
11 against 2? Not okay.
- NEW RULE: The bat-peoples’ friends can also come on the pitch, shouting encouraging words like, “YOU GO GIRL!” and trying to trip up the fieldy people as they run after the ball.
- NEW RULE: Teams should discuss wardrobe in advance so they don’t all turn up wearing the same outfit (embarrassing). A bit of colour on the pitch would spice things up a bit. I’ll also encourage sombreros.
Right, that’s cricket sorted.
2. Make Darts less Depressing
Darts is really just an excuse for middle-aged men with alcoholism and heart problems to put “sports” under the hobbies section of their dating profiles, in the touching hope that women will think fitness explains why their listed age and profile pictures show a discrepancy of about 35 years.
And whose idea was it to install, in every pub in Britain, a game which involves throwing sharpened missiles over the heads of other customers?
I can’t tell you how awkward it was the first time I blinded a young child playing darts. It gets easier with time but, come on, stop putting me in that position!
So, I will remove dart boards from pubs and replace them with TV screens showing Will and Grace 24/7. That will solve Britain’s drinking culture in a day or two, and all those defunct pubs will free up land to solve the housing crisis. God, I’m a good Minister.
Darts will therefore be restricted to organised matches. But that won’t solve the problem of them resembling Alcoholics Anonymous Annual Outings. To attract a classier kind of player, I’m going to make the maths more complicated.
We all know how it works, right? You throw the dart at the board and hope it doesn’t land in a child’s eye (unless the child and/or parent is annoying, but don’t say that in court. My lawyer’s a right bitch when he’s annoyed). If it lands on the yellow or black triangle-y bits you get the number of points shown on the edge of the wedge. If the dart hits the red or green bits on the outer, wider circle, you double it. If the dart lands in the red or green bits on the inner circle, you triple it. A bullseye is 50 and the outer bullseye is 25. Or something. It’s hard to hear over the screaming of blinded children.
A section of my prototype darts board:
The player has 10 seconds after the dart lands to correctly calculate their score. To keep things exciting, an incorrect answer gives one’s opponent a free shot at one’s buttocks.
3. Scintillating Swimming
The new national sport. For every nation.
- NEW RULE (or more like OBEY THE FUCKING OLD RULES BECAUSE THEY WORK, OKAY?): Anybody not playing by the rules–or inventing “house rules” about Free Parking (which does NOTHING. It is NOT a place to pool money for somebody to win when they land on it. It is NOT. JUST STOP IT, OKAY?)–will be punished by death. Harsh but fair.
- NEW RULE: Nobody else is allowed to be the thimble. I know, I know, but what’s the point of being Minister if I don’t abuse my position just a little? I think you’ll agree I’m changing the world for the better, so the world can give me a bit back.
- NEW RULE: My mother is no longer allowed to sulk that it’s “not fair” when somebody buys a property in a colour group she wants.
- NEW RULE: No jokes about the ‘second prize in a beauty contest’. It wasn’t funny the first 4,201 times you said it.
That’s enough ministering for one day.
Which sport/game would you improve?
Would you play and/or watch my new, improved sports and games?