Reasons I Distrust You

My friend and author A. S. Akkalon’s blog topic this week was Reasons I Trust You.

Because I’m lazy, I’m borrowing her topic.

In a half-arsed attempt to be original and because I’m antisocial and not a very nice person I’m doing Reasons I Distrust You.

1. You’re nice to me.

There are some things I deserve to be complimented on:

• I write good.
• I grammar even gooder.
• I’m fucking excellent at Monopoly.

Compliments on any other topic will be met with the suspicion, fear, and hostility that they deserve. I will be forced to extract myself from the untenable conversation and retreat into my phone where I will text “SOMEONE’S BEING NICE TO ME. WTF?” to my closest friends, my friendship with whom is based on the mutual understanding that we only communicate in writing and we’re never nice to each other.

2. You use the word ‘utilise/utilize’

This word should not exist. There is no situation in which ‘use’ cannot be used instead. ‘Use’ is a simpler and more elegant choice and causes less finger-wear through typing.

I’m therefore forced to conclude that anybody using ‘utilise’ is doing so for nefarious purposes.

It’s similar to people who say “myself” and “yourself” where “me” and “you” would do just fine, except those people also look like douchecanoes.*

*Credit for douchecanoe goes to the Insult Queen Lisa Leoni, on Twitter as @lisaleoni.

3. You order salad when there is any other option

If you’re capable of looking at a menu full of food and ordering a salad, there is a fundamental and irreconcilable dichotomy in our psyches. There’s just no way of knowing what else you would be capable of.

Stopping before the tube of Pringles is empty?

Answering honestly when I ask how you are?

Genocide?

There’s just no knowing.

4. We pass a dog on the street and you don’t stop, put your hand on your heart, and say, “Doggie!”

I’m not interested in your tired excuses like, “I was in a hurry” or “It’s dangerous to brake from 40mph to 0mph every time I see a dog” or “I’m not four-years-old.”

The simple fact of the matter is that if you can pass a dog without proclaiming your joy to the world, I cannot count on you to act reasonably in other situations and not, for example, stab me in the face if I win at Monopoly.

And I will win. Every time.

5. You end lists on a number not divisible by 5

Such a blatant disregard for the feelings of others is abhorrent. I might not want you being nice to me but I don’t want to be mates with a fucking sociopath either.

---

If you think we’d get along, feel free to let me know (ONLY VIA WRITING, NO PSYCHOPATHS WHO LIKE FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTION) and I’ll send you motivational cat pictures as a way of expressing feelings of warmth and mutual liking.