Like most of us, ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of world domination.
But, also since I was a little girl, I’ve followed the teachings of the great philosopher and thinker Homer Simpson, particularly: “If something’s hard to do, it’s not worth doing.” [Simpson, 1992] World domination sounds pretty hard. Much harder than convincing a cat that my ribs are not the best place to stand to survey a room, and I haven’t yet mastered that skill.
Unwilling to give up my childhood dream, I arrived at a compromise. I’ve sought allegiances with others who may one day take over the world. Sharing is caring and we split the risk, responsibility, and reward.
I recently made plans with my World Domination Team on Twitter – Tani Hanes (romance author), Jezz de Silva (romance ninja), Kim M Watt (YA author), A.S. Akkalon (fantasy author), Sandra Weicht (The Recipe Collector), Sara Dobie Bauer (fabulous author) and Lisa Leoni (romance author).
Our plans involve bananas (the potassium will prevent cramps at crucial junctures and the sugar will aid us in brandishing spears at our enemies), the obliteration of all centipedes (shady fuckers–nobody needs that many legs for legit business), bows and arrows and daggers (and probably dragons because this is A.S. Akkalon we’re talking about), a Big Bad swigging absinthe and wrestling tigers in six inch heels (because this is Sara Dobie Bauer we’re talking about), the Great Fajita Dilemma, and the Burrito of Destruction.
My role in taking over the world is Digital Propaganda Manager. Partly because I can do it without getting out of my chair, partly because I can claim my 1,203,201 GB monthly data charges back on expenses, and partly because it allows me to call myself ‘Anna Kaling DPM’ which looks good and may one day convince someone I’m licensed to practice medicine. I carry a scalpel and screwdriver at all times in hopes that day will come.
And when we inevitably achieve world domination, what piece of the pie do I want?
I want to be Minister of Sports and Games.
This may surprise those of you who know me and suspect, correctly, that I haven’t run since 1996 and that was because a goat was chasing me (true story). Those people will also know that I would rather watch Will and Grace than any kinds of sports matchy-thing, and Will and Grace makes me vomit blood as my spleen attempts to crawl up my aesophagus and kill us both to save us from another ‘joke’.
But that’s the whole point. I want to be Minister for Sports and Games so I can improve them. And also so I can make ‘Hunting Will and Grace Fans’ an international competition with massive rewards.
This is my manifesto.