Give Me Free Stuff

I’ve heard of all these bloggers who get sent free stuff in exchange for reviews. I want a piece of that.

To demonstrate the quality of my reviews, and assure companies that I will bring increased sales, in this blog I will evaluate a selection of products I’ve used in the past week.

By the way, companies, I am not above bribery. If you send me one measly product and a kind note, expect a 3* review. Send me a selection and a Kindle voucher and I’ll give you a six out of five. We won’t tell anybody.

Dead Sea Mud Pac

I bought this because it’s cheap a visit to the Dead Sea without the inconveniences of airplane food or getting salt in shaving cuts. Lie back and relax in a hot bath as the Dead Sea clays and minerals and stuff suck all the impurities out of your pores and leave your skin soft, clean, and blemish-free.

Or lie back and watch Insidious 2 until you can no longer move your face, and then creep up on your mother and say, “BOO!” which will simultaneously crack the mask like a mosaic and confirm that her heart condition is real. Useful, since the Kalings are prone to hypochondria.

It can also crack when you’re watching a horror movie then glance around and see this a few inches from your face:

Product Description:

• Mud
• From the Dead Sea
• In a pac(k)

Benefits:

• A pleasant colour if you like gangrene.
• Allows you to feel superior because you can spell ‘pack’ and apparently even people with marketing degrees can’t.
• Bestows an extremely attractive look (refer to that face up there ^. Point proven.)
• Turns your bathwater an opaque greyish colour if you rinse the packet out in it, which means you can’t see the dirt floating around.

Recommended for… There’s always a lot of product left over once I’ve applied a layer to my skin, so I recommend it for people with big faces.

Patak’s Mixed Pickle

I bought this because I made a cauldron of kitchari and kitchari is merely a vehicle for mixed pickle. Or lime pickle. Or mango pickle. But mixed is the best because it has all different fruits and vegetables so it definitely counts as your five-a-day, even if it has enough fat in it to sink a hippo.

This one has lime, mango, karamda, carrot, chillis, and spices.

Product Description

• Pickles
• That are mixed
• And are hot

Benefits:

• All of your five-a-day.
• Eliminates any risk of you becoming underweight in the next three years.
• Comes in a handy portable jar that could also double as a weapon.
• Cures constipation.

Recommended for… Anybody with shares in toilet-paper manufacturing companies. Ask Jon.

Mike’s Valet Service

I don’t usually bother having my car cleaned because in all likelihood it’ll be gone before it has a chance to get dirty again and that’s money down the drain. I made an exception this month, partly because I could no longer remember what colour my eighth car originally was and partly because of Mike.

Mike is a mobile valet service. And a photographer. And a stripper. I keep meaning to ask if you get a discount for ordering all three services, and, if so, in which order they’re performed, but somehow when I see him all I can manage to say is, “Sorry about the used tissues in the car, but I expect you’re used to that.”

Mike comes to my workplace in his shorts to soap up a sponge and vigorously rub the cars until they shine. My desk is right by the window. The window looks out onto the car park.

Product Description

• He’s a fucking STRIPPER.

Benefits

• I’ve stopped itching during car rides.
• Mike found that sandwich I lost in the boot (trunk) last autumn.
• Mike.

Recommended for… The glutes.

Forge of Empires

A free-to-play (with optional purchases) online game that is Very Serious Business for most of the players. I’m talking about grown men who plan their sleep patterns around the times certain fictional buildings produce fictional goods. Grown men who tell other grown men that they are, “Very disappointed in your level of commitment towards the guild expedition this week.”

It’s pretty much Farmville (remember that?) but with a city instead of a farm. Serious Business, guys.

One player removed me from his friends list on Forge of Empires. I wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t sent me a two-page message explaining that he was focused completely on getting his Seed Vault levelled (I thought he was flirting for a minute but nope) and had limited space on his friends list so needed to prioritise friends who donated Forge Points to said Seed Vault and, unfortunately, I hadn’t made the cut. He was very sorry and hoped I would forgive him.

Well, I gotta tell ya Mr Seed Vault, I was so devastated that I couldn’t concentrate on the Guild Expedition and lost a battle, which led to my Guild Master berating me for my Lack of Commitment and resulted in a downward spiral where I now sit in my mother’s basement drinking £1-per-litre cider and crying. Like the rest of you.

Product Description

• An empire
• That you can forge
• Of

Benefits

• Makes you realise you’re winning at life because you will be the least pathetic person on your friends list.
• You’re pretty much God for the little people in your city, although you can’t kill them like you could in Rollercoaster Tycoon.
• If you’re online when an argument about Fair Trade Ratios breaks out on Global Chat, it’s like a soap opera but with better acting and no ads.

Recommended for… Losers.

If you’re a fellow loser and want to be in my Friends List, let me know! I hold two-hour Guild Strategy meetings three times a day (attendance mandatory).

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I hope this blog has demonstrated to all the marketing executives out there that I would be a passionate ambassador for your brand and bring increased sales of approximately 207%. Please use the Contact button to get in touch and offer me free things.

What products have you used this week?

Header image from www.freeimages.co.uk