Authors are a hindrance to anti-terror efforts all over the world.
Why? Because of this:
Due to our Google searches, authors must make up a good 70% of anti-terror watch lists. And while we’re being investigated for searching Does Quicklime Really Dissolve Corpses Quickly?, the real terrorists and criminals are getting away with it.
By the way, when your colleagues are discussing TV shows, don’t jump in with, “Actually, that’s not accurate. It takes several minutes of continuous inhalation for chloroform to render a victim unconscious. And also, strangling somebody is nowhere near as easy as TV makes it look.” You’ll suddenly find that nobody wants to work on 1:1 projects with you.
In my file alone, there are search records including:
1. What’s the parasite that swims into the penis?
It’s called a Candiru. It’s not actually confirmed that it does swim up the penis, but there are rumours and that was enough for the scene.
It’s difficult to understand why a female living in the UK would be interested in a South American penis-burrowing fish, unless she was up to something very shady indeed. Giving the excuse, “I’m a romance author,” poses more questions than it answers.
“I’m a horrible daughter,” she said, her voice muffled in his T-shirt. “I’m worse than a Candiru.”
“A what?”
“It’s this fish that apparently burrows into the penis and—”
“—okay, enough said,” Keir broke in, and crossed his legs. “You’re not worse than one of those.”
2. What’s the best knife to gut a human with?
I settled on a Ka-bar. Mostly because it looks badass. And also, three of my eight cars (yeah, it’s eight now) were Ka cars.
It’s not for me–honest–I’m a pacifist (well, a coward, but pacifist sounds better).
Adam ducked low and sliced at the man’s belly. He was fat, and the knife slid through butter, not meat.
Mm. Butter.
3. Can swans kill humans?
Fear not, MI5, I’m not breeding a gang of trained man-eating swans. I have a character with a fear of them.
It turns out swans definitely can break bones, which means they could cause fatal injuries in the right circumstances. So you know, if any terrorists are reading… make sure you don’t credit me with the idea, please, because I’m already being watched.
A swan crept menacingly across the grass, its evil black eyes fixed to Ally’s right as if it hadn’t even noticed her.
Ally knew better and backed away. She was dimly aware of Marcus falling silent, then asking her a question, but all she could think about was the advancing bird.
A high pitched ee-ee sounded behind her, like the shrill warning of a whistling kettle about to boil over.
She whipped around to find another swan on the grass, closing in. They’d ganged up on her. It was like that movie Rachel had made them watch, the one with Samuel L. Jackson where sharks learned to hunt in packs.
Samuel L. Jackson got eaten. And that was Samuel L. Jackson for goodness’ sake.
Since this blog is now on a national security watch list, anybody who reads or contributes to it will also be added so… sorry about that. But if you’re an author, you’re probably already on one.
What are your most dubious Google searches?
Featured image from Andrew Gustar of Flickr.
Anna Kaling - Author 
I’m not telling.
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Well that’s just an open invitation to guess!
19th century prostitutes?
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Well, prostitutes in Dodge City during the cattle boom era, for sure. But no, that’s not the weirdest …not by a long shot….
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Hmm. Peppa Pig porn?
(I hope we don’t start getting ads based on what we’re typing here…)
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Ha ha! No. But maybe I’ll go do that now.
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I don’t know whether I want you to report your findings or not…
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Yikes! I thought you were joking….
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Burglary techniques. And then there was a spate of burglaries in the district. Eep.
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Uh oh! Did they do a good job, based on your research? 😀
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Ha, no, my fictional thief was much more efficient; the local bozos seem to have mostly failed to steal anything.
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My mouth is still hanging open. There really IS Peppa Pig porn. So …was this something you stumbled across in your research, perchance?
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Oh god, you really searched it? I can honestly say I never have (although I did once read some very disturbing Bart and Lisa Simpson erotica) but there is Rule 34…
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“Negative side effects of cannibalism” and “Body decomposition timeline”
I can’t remember why I needed to know about the cannibalism thing, but I can tell you Kuru does not a pretty thing to experience.
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Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Prion Disease?
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I think my Google searches are very dull in comparison to yours. Though I do have a Ka-bar and I love it, but I almost never use it for cutting people up.
Don’t you hate it how they always get some things wrong on TV? No, it’s not that hard to strange someone unconscious, but you can’t do that to your enemy and then just leave him, because very shortly he’ll wake up and come after you. I mean, come on, people!
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This is a perfect example of why I dislike anti-adverbism: what would that sentence be without the ‘almost’?
I do indeed hate when they get things wrong on TV. For some reason, one that particularly irritates me is the way they show childbirth – like the waters breaking being a total surprise and THEN contractions starting. Or how the babies come out weighing about 25lbs.
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Haha, that was a very important “almost”.
Yes! Especially considering most of what I “know” about childbirth comes from TV. I’m also pretty sure they get love wrong, but that might be a longer discussion.
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I don’t know why I care because the only way I’ll ever give birth is if I have a tapeworm that gets lost, but it bugs me.
Yes to the love thing as well. Co-dependent relationships are not sexy.
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I think you have me beat on weird search histories, although I tend to have strange tab combinations, such as: “what is the opposite of a black hole”; “medieval archery terms”; “how long do rats live”; and “best banana brownie recipes”. Ahem. Method in madness, apparently?
I’m now really intrigued about what happened with the swans…
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What IS the opposite of black holes??
If I were a canny author I’d be all, “Well then you have to buy the swan book when it’s out!” but I’m not so you’re welcome to read it I can email it to you!
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Apparently, a white hole…
“A black hole is a phenomena from which nothing, not even light, can escape. However, some theories point towards the existence of an “opposite” black hole, into which nothing can enter. Their existence has never been confirmed, and indeed their very nature is a paradox. If nothing can enter a white hole, and everything leaves it, then surely it should not exist? Stephen Hawking argues that black and white holes are one and the same. For now, the possibility of whether they exist remains a mystery.”
I would love to read it! But only if you’re happy doing that, otherwise I will keep stalking – ahem, sorry – following you until I see it published!
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LOL love it!!! After watching Hannibal, I was curious if one could really buy the plastic suit he wore sometimes. The answer is yes! It was good to know for my lead in my book. Also how you could dissolve a body. That got interesting. Oh, and how long it took to starve someone. For a while the hubs was scared to go to sleep at night after I’d share my new found knowledge with him. But hey, it was all research. LOL
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Mwuahaha. This reminds me of an author on a forum asking about how a pet anaconda could eat a human, and because I’m a snake freak I was explaining the best way to do it. Then someone pointed out her husband and co-author hadn’t been seen in quite a while… he had to come online and prove she hadn’t got him tied up in a swamp.
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This is hysterical. I can’t wait to read this book!
One of my most extensive searches has been on how to cut off someone’s ear in the sixteenth century. How much of the ear is cut off? Both, or one? What do they use – a razor, sheep shears, what? Astonishingly there is a dearth of quality academic papers on this. Plenty on why the various crimes for which ear cropping was used as a punishment, but none on the mechanism and anatomic particulars.
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<__>
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Dagnabbit, it did a weird thing with my comment.
But, bomb-making, essentially.
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Homemade or military?
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I don’t know how/where my character procured a bomb, but I discovered how to describe it on a DIY site, which totally exists as a legitimate, non-sketchy thing, apparently?
(*flexes bomb-making hands* *makes eagle noise ‘cuz ‘murica*)
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… my last three google searches. What does an RPG smell like after detonation? What is the lethal blast range of an RPG & What the difference between Repelling and fast roping
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