Drunk Octopussing

drunk octopus (verb)

present participle drunk octopussing, past tense drunk octopussed, past participle drunk octopus

I drunk octopussed this evening along with Kim Watt and A.S. Akkalon. We live in three different time zones, with Akkalon a day in the future, so it was quite a feat to coordinate live drunk octopussing. Plus, she always has spoilers about what the weather’s going to be like tomorrow and if Jesus is going to drop by.

But that was nothing compared to what the residents of Erin Island have to cope with: fighting off alien octopusses while hammered out of their fecking skulls. (Fecking is deliberate because Erin Island is in Ireland, where ‘fecking’ means the same as ‘fucking’ but isn’t rude and therefore my mum can’t tell me off).

The octopusses are allergic to alcohol (why wouldn’t they be?) The only way to not-be-eaten by them is to drink until you have the approximate chemical composition of a pint of absinthe.

For purposes of this blog, the plural of ‘octopus’ is definitely ‘octopusses’ except when it’s ‘octopi’ and I refuse to be told otherwise.

After a slightly delay when some idiot (me) got the time wrong, Houston cleared us for Octo-off at 8:05pm BST which is the official time zone and no other times should exist because they confuse my little brain.

Meteors can strike the sea at 100,000mph without causing a tsunami, or even causing gentle rocking in boats 200m away.

I’m not sure how this happens, but I am sure that a movie about alien octopusses who can only be fought drunk is going to have pretty solid sciencing throughout. I’m going to write strongly worded letters to the National Geographic, PBS, and my university for all the wrong things they taught me about tsunamis and the laws of physics.

And I think the new tourist board slogan should be, “Everybody’s drunk, but the landscape’s worth seeing double of.”

Don’t keep unidentified sea creatures in your bath.

Sure, it sounds like a great idea which nothing could go wrong with, but it doesn’t always end in frolicking through meadows. When the little fella wakes up, she might want a snack and that snack might be your face.

Kids, eh? Who’d have ’em.

There are tigers in Ireland. 

Policemanofficer: “What killed him, Jim?”

Doctor Jim: “The fact that he’s just a head?

You bring me someone with a head cold or a headache and I could do something, but you bring me just a head and you’re taking the piss.

Jesus, they could bury him in a shoe box.”

Policemanwomanofficer: “Doctor, we need to know.”

Doctor Jim: “He was mauled in some way by some animal or something. I don’t know. A tiger?”

The alcoholic comic relief guy in a movie about alien octopusses which can only be fought when drunk knows more about global warming than the leader of the US.

This one is too sad to expand on.

US and British culture is very different.

US Movies: The answer to everything is ‘bomb it.’

British Movies: The answer to everything is ‘set fire to it, but only if you have carried out a full risk assessment and have a full complement of health and safety equipment to put out the blaze before it annoys the neighbours.’

US Movies: Hit the enemy with the full force of the US army, and probably a few nukes as well just to prove your point.

UK Movies: Hit the enemy with a broom handle, unless you have a bad back.

Making flamethrowers out of plastic might not be the best plan.

We were as stunned as you that it didn’t work.

It’s terrible parenting to throw 20 of your alien babies into a pub.

Especially when the patrons have been drinking for some hours and really shouldn’t be left in charge of any minors.

Plus, the pub could lose its licence with all those underage octopi inside and that isn’t fair, is it?

You cannot arrest alien octopusses.

Even when they’re behaving very naughtily indeed; disturbing the peace and all sorts.

‘Grabbers’ is fecking good – excellent craic.

And it’s on Netflix!

Have you seen it? Are you going to see it after reading how educational it is? How would you fare against the octopi?