Why I Believe the Earth is Flat

I decided last month to believe the earth is flat. Two reasons:

1. Fewer people will want to talk to me.
2. If anybody does insist on talking to me, I have something to talk about.

I’m hoping #2 will be a rare occasion because ew, human interaction, but I thought I ought to practice my arguments and make sure they’re compelling. I mean, I don’t want to look stupid.

So I’m going to practise my arguments on you, lovely blog readers. I’m confident you won’t find any flaws in my  logic but if you do, please let me know.

My first and foremost argument is simple: If the earth was round, we’d roll off it.

Think about it. Imagine a marble the size of a football. A real football, not the thing Americans call a football.

So, a marble-shaped football. Imagine yourself standing on the marble.

What happens? You fall off.

You cannot balance on something round. Since we aren’t falling off the earth all the time, it cannot be round.

Go on. You just try to stand on ’em.

I can imagine what my detractors may say (hopefully to other people because ew, humans).

Why would scientists and NASA and astronauts and the satellite people lie?

Ask any crime author – to find the motive, follow the money.

Who benefits from this global conspiracy to have us believe the earth is round? The airlines.

We all know the quickest way to get from A to B is in a straight line, and a flat earth allows us to fly in a straight line. But convince everybody that the earth is round and you can’t fly in a straight line and you can charge extortionate fares.

It should only really take eight hours to fly from London to Sydney. But they get up there above the clouds where you can’t see what they’re doing and fly all wonky so it takes 24 hours and they can charge you a thousand pounds while your coccyx whimpers.

This has knock-on effects for all kinds of big corporations. Shops build the cost of transport into their prices, and charge us extra for imported goods. I bet the airplanes fly in a straight line for them, but they charge us for a curved flight. Oh yes.

There’s also a tidy profit for the NASA-y sattelite-y people who produce all those fake photos of the ’round’ earth. How much advertising ££$$ do you think Google gets for Google earth, huh? And you think National Geographic doesn’t pay for those ‘photos’?

What about the curve of the horizon?

Caused by our eyeballs being round. Duh.

But the moon is round.

Yeah and the moon isn’t Earth, is it? Jeez.

It might not even be round. It’s probably drawn into the sky every night using chemtrails or vaccines or something. Big Pharma’s gotta be involved. And the Illuminati. Same thing, really. Also Queen Elizabeth II is a lizard person who eats babies and we’re all doomed anyway. I think I’ve been infected by flouride and those GM foods are turning me into a crop circle.

Someone hold me.